Betrayal, Trust, Sex, Love, and Gratitude
Change is an inside job! Relationships are catalysts for change. My relationship with food became a catalyst for writing about my relationship with myself. Through my expanded awareness, pain has been my catalyst for healing! Some experiences are so painful, that to avoid repeating them, we take the risks [tests] to get to the other side. I called forth change in my life. Betrayal, Trust, Sex, Love, and Gratitude showed up!
(continued from Part 1) So, once I made my declaration that I was ready for new lessons, of course my ego weighed in on the matter and I tried to wiggle myself out of what I knew would be a test. I grabbed a pen and my journal, began to write, and became a child with a multitude of questions that all asked the same thing:
God, is there a test that goes on in the Universe? If there is a lesson, then are we tested? Do we test ourselves? Why do I want to ask myself what have I learned? Why is this important for moving on? God, I hate taking tests! But I'm so tired of re-creating...being stuck...Is the test the sign that I've seen waiting for me on the side of the road, “Are you ready yet?” Will it say, “Now or Later?” or “Test Today!” Will I get the pass or fail- repeat- do over? Is it multiple choice? Will it- he- knock at my door. Will it disguise itself as something/someone else?
When I got tired of my own questions, I surrendered to the sacred yes, “Fine, I'll take the test- now!”
Unrehearsed and unscripted, I circled the number one. Without thinking about it, beside the number, I wrote the word Betrayal.
Shrugging with sarcasm with what was taking place, I moved from a child to a teenager. I broke the word into three syllables. The word tray was the root word that I chose to work with. I began to write out loud.
There is a tray full of food sitting in front of me with all the things that I like. Saying “no” is probably the best thing that I could do for myself. I could walk away from the table, or I could eat a few things off the tray, thank the host for a delicious meal, and then politely walk away. However, if I stay, sit, and continue to eat, then I have be-tray-ed myself by becoming the tray of food that is in front of me. I be-come what I eat and/or I be-come the company that I keep.
When I know that people, things, situations, circumstances, are not good for me and I continue to entertain them, I have betrayed myself. I can't blame the food, the people, the circumstances, the situations. They don't betray me- I betray myself because I knew what/who they were about from the very beginning. That's betrayal!
I use to think of betrayal as only something that others did to me. They betrayed me! He betrayed me! She betrayed me! Though I know that there are times when people act out of character, do and say things that are offensive, and commit heinous acts against nature, betrayal is not always a one sided affair. That thinking only supported me with being a victim. That thinking no longer serves me. More liberating is admitting the times when I betray myself.
I smiled as I recognized the energy moving within me. I continued to move in the flow. Unrehearsed and unscripted, I circled the number two. Without thinking about it, beside the number, I wrote the word Trust.
I stood taller. I was commanding my own attention and felt a seriousness in my experience. I was now a young adult. I continued to write without thinking...
I have entertained a lot of liars. It has been a smorgasbord filled with fantasy, fiction, charm, illusions, and grandeur. Instead of sitting at a table with a tray of food, I am in a room full of food- a room full of liars! (It's like an event – i.e., In this corner we have...In this corner we have...)
It is a love triangle! Liars have taught me to trust myself. They have also taught me to distrust myself. More-so, they have shown me the mirror of my own deceit and lack of integrity.
Trust means giving up the illusions around me. It means giving up the grandeur and the perpetrating lifestyles and trading it for peace. It means that I can live simply and be happier. Trust and Happy are synonymous. They go hand in hand! When I trust myself I am happy. When I trust life regardless of what it looks like I am happy!
Trust means putting God first, (Matthew 6:33). It is knowing that just like the birds, the squirrels, the blades of grass, and the lilies of the field who want for nothing and still the blessings just roll with unlimited beauty, trust is knowing that those same blessings roll for me.
Trust also means giving up the need to second guess myself even if the things that I see don't make sense. It means re-training my eyes [mind] that had been comfortable looking at the external nature of things. That's trust!
Like betrayal, I used to think of trust as something outside of myself. My happiness depended on conditions that pleased me on the outside of myself instead of looking for that on the inside. I had to retrain my mind to remember that the things that I can't see far exceed the things that I can see. Trust used to mean putting my faith in a person, who, when failed to live up to my expectations, fell into my victim trap of distrust. We all fall short – even me!
The good news is that I am equipped with everything that I will ever need on this journey. The truth is that I have everything I need within myself. Trust: To Resist the Urge to Suppress Truth!
I was on to something! I was fully awake! Unrehearsed and unscripted, I circled the number three. Without thinking about it, beside the number, I wrote the word Sex. I was now a woman! I continued to write in the flow...
There is a difference between love and sex. There is a difference between being loved and being sexed. Sex is fleeting. It is pleasure that is undeniably important to the creativity of the soul. It stimulates places in my body that can't be denied. It's one of the best forms of form of stress release that I know of. When I connect with the right partner, it resembles the love that I seek externally-internally. It takes me to a different realm. I've traveled...to space! When I am having sex, I am free from being seen or judged. It's freedom! It's liberating! It's being vulnerable! It's good!
What's not good about sex for me is the addiction I had to intimacy that I crave. I found myself having lots of sex with the illusion that the intimacy was real. It was one of the biggest lies I told myself. It's been an escape like any drug. And, since I've been good at sex, it has also kept me feeling good abut myself.
What I've learned with all of this is that the best sex that I've had is with myself. There were no regrets that I had given myself away- again! When I could feel the warmth and the heat energy between my own legs – the energy that others have felt- and when I could feel that for myself by sending it back to myself and through my own body- that Kundalini energy- I experienced bliss.
Everyone does not have the same capacity to love or to be loved. It is unfair of me to expect love to be reciprocated by people who only want sex.
I was sexually abused as a child and I also grew up thinking that sex and intimacy were one in the same. I married young and retreated from my feelings in that relationship. But, after my divorce and 23 years of being with the same man, being single was foreign to me. The first time I was with a man behind closed doors who made me feel safe without the pressure of sex, I cried. In that moment I learned about intimacy, security, and trust. I learned that I had the power to attract more loving experiences into my life and that I could in fact be friends with men without having sex with them. What a concept!
Being alone use to terrify me. After seven years of being single, I have learned that I am my own best friend and now I look forward to spending time with me.
Unrehearsed and unscripted, I circled the number four. Without thinking about it, I knew what I was ready for. Beside the number, I wrote the word Love. A woman indeed, I continued to write in the flow...
Love brings me to tears as I write knowing that I have reached a place in consciousness where I am ready to move on. Ready to let go. Ready to surrender to the next leg of this journey.
Love has shown me that with all of my shortcomings, Love is patient, Love is kind, Love is gentle, and Love has not judged me! It is unconditional!!! It-Love-only seeks to find places within me that could use the Light of Love. Love has given me grace, favor, mercy, and has loved me enough- because I am enough!
Through Love, I am learning to say “no” and to release those things, people, and situations, that no longer serve me by opening the door to the sacred “yes” of the unknown and those uncomfortable places. Learning to love myself has been the greatest gift of all.
Love is synonymous with God. Through Love, I see God in everything and everybody and ultimately I see God in myself expressing myself as me.
And just when I thought I was done, unrehearsed and unscripted, I circled the number five. Without thinking about it, beside the number, I wrote Thank You.
With gratitude, all blessings flow! I am grateful for this lesson, the old lessons, and I am now ready for some new lessons!
I may fall, but I will get up. I may not have a map, but I will trust myself to get there. I may travel alone, but I will enjoy my company. I may not get 100% on the test, but I know that I can't fail with Love. And, I may not know what things will look like around the corner, but I know that something wonderful awaits! And the day came...