The End of This Chapter




The Ecstatic Moment...Photographed by Hajj Daoud A. Haroon 


How many gifts and graces You have given me!  How many favors You have fed me from your hand!  I look for your love in all directions, then suddenly its blessing burns in me.

Rabia Al-Adawiyya
translated by Andrew Harvey


The following is a note/article that I published on December 1, 2009.  It popped up as a memory on my social media page and filled me with gratitude.  Miracles are everywhere present.  I am one of them.  You are too!
____________________

November 30, 2009

Today I feel like writing. Releasing. Sharing.
At first I thought it would be another journal entry and analogy of my former relationships. Heartache, pain, breaking up, making up. How I’ve never been more open to love. Thank you Md H for your powerful medicine. Then I thought I should actually respond to a question that was asked of me instead of avoiding it: What has life been since releasing my prayer of petition earlier this summer? Thank you Sis. LaKeitha Simmons for holding me accountable for a response. You are the reason for this season. So in this moment, I reckon I may touch them all.
After completing my entry, what I wrote could have easily been taken from a chapter out of a book that hasn’t been written. So I’ve titled this article, The end of This Chapter.
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The End of This Chapter

by Shawn Trimble aka Maanami

I don’t even know who I’m writing to anymore. I’ve been holding on to mayhem and pissiosity over losing my contact lists, web account (www.freedomsdrum.com
)
, and personal computer since last year around this time. I’ve used losing them as an excuse to withdraw, hide, and send out information without having any real connection to the lists or (people) that I created from an outside source. I told myself and others that I chose to take time off from Freedom’s Drum, but the truth is I was forced to. I then reluctantly signed up for a Face Book Account soon after losing my information so that people would be able to reach me outside of Freedom’s Drum. The irony and beauty of my Face Book account is that out of all the lists that I do have, with the exception of a few, I didn’t go searching for friends to add to this list. People who were genuinely interested in me found me. I just had to show up. This list is different. Thank you my Face Book family.

So, just when I thought I had released the mayhem and the pissiosity, they showed up again. Tonight my response was, tell the truth.

I’ve been fascinated with business ever since I could remember. I was brought up with street merchants and entrepreneurs in New Orleans. I’ve been working since the age of eleven (earlier on the streets) beginning my “career” as a cashier in an afro centric store in North Philadelphia. It was there that I learned to count change back to customers (as the pressure from the owner encouraged me to learn quickly) and how to make my own money. Thank you Abu.

I can’t tell in this moment how many jobs I’ve had over the years. Oh Boy. I’ve been great at most of them, and could have excelled at any of them, but since I’ve had a taste of what it’s like to be my own boss, it’s hard taking orders from someone else. Over the years I’ve had many businesses as well. I’ve attended many seminars, meetings, and trainings on how to build a successful business. So why is my money so funny? I’ve learned that a business will only go as far as I am willing or ready to. Whatever stumbling block I may be having in my personal life, it’s going to show up here to. I’ve learned that unless my heart is in it I can’t sell it and though I’ve been enticed into some ventures, I’ve gone into many of them just because I could. Because I knew how. Because it was a no brainer for me. I believe it was the thrill. The feeling of having my own. Of being my own boss. No real passion but just the thought of being in control. Hum. My goal was to be in business and watch it grow. Literally. Yes, Md H. in the right direction but on the wrong path. Faith without works is really dead! Work?

My daughter asked me the other night, “If you knew then what you know now what would you have done differently.” Children. The questions. The audacity. The boldness. The courage. My response to her question was, “I wish then that I had a personal growth chart that I have now and that I knew the difference between planning and goal setting. I wish that I had been disciplined enough to take the steps toward the goal instead of looking at it, visioning it to come to pass and falling into hopelessness when things didn’t go my way. I told her that I wish then that I really knew how powerful I really was and that I had all the courage and the confidence that I needed to persevere.” I also told her that I wish I had someone to push me.

Life is a big set up from the Universe Herself. God is so funny! I wish that I could find the humor on the days and in the moments that I am having extreme power struggles. It’s funny now. It wasn’t funny the other night. Thank God that temper tantrums really do blow over and though I still have my moments of insanity, giving up (hopelessness) is no longer an option for me.

Metaphysics: The study of God’s laws physically and spiritually…beyond what we can see. Rev. Beverly, I paid attention. As the set up relates to my current life, the businesses that I now own include: Cleaning & Restoration (Accountability Cleaning & Restoration), Passion (Joy Toy Parties), and Freedom’s Drum Marketing & Consulting (as a self employed contractor). Beyond what I can see, it looks like a set up to me and I didn’t even see it coming.

Let me fast forward.

It’s been a fight, but I’m ready to admit that I’ve been stubborn (refusing to see myself in others, refusing to be supported, and refusing to let go of people and behaviors that no longer serve me), bullheaded (believing that it (I) must be in pain before I respond), irresponsible (not wanting to do the work required to stretch myself, shifting the responsibility for my life onto others, letting my inner child run my life with running away, having temper tantrums, being dishonest with my response to people, and being mischievous), cowardly living in fear (scared to move, knowing in the fibers of my being that I can do all things through the God that lives within me and yet still believing the crap that landed in the cracks), ashamed of all of my seemingly imperfections (hiding on a pedestal in a box so that I am not vulnerable to the opinions of others), insecure(making stuff up ie. He don’t love me, doubting myself, and compromising myself and my worth by settling for less than what I know I’m worth).
Sometimes I’ve got to be forced into submission. I was a forceps baby. There are times when God has to just come and get me cause I can hold my breath for a long time.

What I also know about me is that I am a beautiful person on the inside and out. I see goodness all around me and in the eyes of those I meet. In my unwillingness to see ugly in people (myself), I have developed a gift that enables me to filter through the walls of divide and see the good. My beverage is “lemonade”. I also know that I am a woman of my word. Generally when I say I’m going to do something I do it. It’s what I don’t say I’m going to do in the face of others that compromise my integrity. I’m a go getter. Once I’m able to raise my vibration I’m able to go after the things that I want. Identifying the things that I desire and gong after those unspoken places have also been areas of compromise for me. I ain’t telling ya’ll all of my business. I’m highly organized which is why I can multitask very well. Knowing that everything has a place even in the moments of disarray keeps me at ease with what I see. I’m a bad chic. Don’t try what I do at home. You might get hurt or healed.
But mess with my money and things get funny. This year, there is no escaping that my relationship with money has called for my undivided attention.

So how has my life changed this year and what have I learned LaKeitha?

  • Immediately after writing my petition, I heard, “open a new account in your new name”. So I did. The slippery thing that I did was tie the new account with the old account. So just last week after losing both accounts in the midst of filing bankruptcy, I was forced into opening a new account in my maiden name with a new bank.
  • And yes, instead of beating myself up over and over again about how I would pay my debts, and honor all of my financial commitments when my debt to income ratio continued to fall short, grace and forgiveness showed up. In my case I’m filing for Chapter 13 at the end of this month.
  • I learned that when I need it, I may have to work multiple jobs to get it.
  • I learned that the job that I was holding on to for money was holding me from money. I was out of integrity being there for as long as I was there.
  • I learned that I can manage with less money and have more time doing the things that I love.
  • I learned that Food Stamps are a beautiful thing! I learned to ask for help.
  • I learned that when I hold back from my giving, I hold myself back from receiving.
  • I learned that when I pray for a clean slate, the Universe responds and will wipe everything out…I’m learning to be careful what I pray for.
  • I learned that when I pray to live my life with integrity, ignorance is bliss and an IRS audit at the beginning of the year could be mean me training to become a tax preparer by the end of the year. I’m learning how to do things the right way. God Is Funny! With a clear conscious, I can’t get away with anything. My cheatin’ days is gone!
  • I learned that I’m able to say no to the things I can’t afford and to the things I can’t afford to do all except my 2007 Honda CRV. :)
  • I learned that when I opened up to being vulnerable, put my business out there, and began to let people in my house to deal with the shame of the judgments I had made of myself, I learned that I was not alone in my dysfunction and that opportunities showed up for me to use my experience to support others in their process.
  • I learned that after finally realizing only months ago that I’ve been self-employed since June, that after 16 years of marriage and 26 years of being in a co-dependent relationship (divorced last year), I could depend on me to make it. I’ve felt so needy. What I really needed was me. With God all things are possible.
  • I learned that the hidden dangers of relationships is what goes on underneath. The things that go unspoken. The world that we don’t see is bigger and more ferocious than what we do see. And because I was in an unhealthy relationship with myself I latched on to being in a co-dependent relationship with someone else. In my desire to become healthy and whole again and to get to know Shawn outside of my former husband, we both created drama in our resistance to grow.
  • I learned that it may be darkest before dawn and if I could hold out/on until the end the dawn of a new day will emerge and I will appreciate myself for sticking it out.
  • I learned that having a plan, being proactive, surrounding myself with support, and having a coach is golden.
  • I learned that if I am not deluded by what I see and I practice moving forward in support of myself I feel in the end better knowing that I’ve tried.
  • I learned that being mischievous, lying, cheating, guestimating my accounts and my taxes instead of keeping accurate records at all times, and stealing, have no place where I am going and thieves in the night these little varmints and thugs of my consciousness have the ability o rob me of being in integrity, joy, and freedom. They also have the ability to bring me back to mayhem, pissiosity, and anger with myself.
  • I learned that paying attention and being present really does mean taking responsibility to respond.
  • I learned that “living in this brand new world might be a fantasy, but it’s taught to love and it’s so real.”
  • And I’ve learned that trusting God means trusting the process and trusting me.
    In conclusion, I’m still cleaning things up. (My car was just repoed then later released just a week ago). This is not a microwave moment even though I wish that it would be. I’m learning to learn. To really get it.

    The message that keeps coming back to me is that within me is The Power. Home is the Power! I am Home! I no longer have to look outside of myself for the answers. I am the Answer. Thank you Mom. My mind, my behavior, my thought patterns and processes are being cleaned and restored. Honey I have created a mess. But Joyce Meyers said it best, “I may not be where I want to be, but I’m damn sure not where I used to be. I’m on my way and I’m ok.”

    I have accountability partners (sometimes called me, myself, and I). I have joy, her toys and my personal growth chart to give me something to do while keeping me focused on passion and intimacy (in to me). I have Freedom’s Drum to keep me connected to Spirit. And I have God and prayer to turn to that brings me Home.

    God, Thank you for showing me that Home is where I am. I want to thank you for this year and for showing me all the places in my consciousness that were simply asking for love and attention. I’m not out of the woods yet and this month may be my darkest hour. Let me get through it with grace, ease, and your tender mercies. As I feel in this moment peace of knowing that all of my needs are met, remind me not to be deluded by what I see or don’t see. I ask for favor as I continue to clean up the mess that I have created. Massage my heart with your loving hand. Restore those places in my consciousness with passion, joy and a new sense of Freedom as I move to the beat of your drum. Show me. Guide me, lead me to a place of right action, right mindfulness in every area of my life as I set out to live my best life with my greatest and highest good intentions in mind. Shower me with a hedge of protection from the enemy of my limited mind and expand my territory as I expand my consciousness in the unlimited potential that I have. Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your site. Let the blessing of the empirical oneness that I am in you fill me with a love that is overflowing so that I am able to share generously with those around me. Bless me going in and bless me going out.

    May the New Year be the light of abundance, wealth, joy, peace, love, grace, health, and generosity that You are, I am, and We are flowing like a river.
    Amen

    p.s. Can I have at least a million dollars now?


    Thank you Rev. Pam I watched The Wiz and Lena, Diana, Michael, Richard and the crew were just what I needed. Happy belated Thanksgiving.

    Thank you Master Iyanla Vanzant and the Masterful Faculty, Staff Members, and Fellow Classmates of the Inner Vision Institute of Spiritual Development.

    In Loving Gratitude,
    Shawn
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