Betrayal, Trust, Sex, Love, and Gratitude
Change
is an inside job! Relationships are catalysts for change. My
relationship with food became a catalyst for writing about my
relationship with myself. Through my expanded awareness,
pain has been my catalyst for healing! Some experiences are so
painful, that to avoid repeating them, we take the risks [tests] to
get to the other side. I called forth change in my life. Betrayal,
Trust, Sex, Love, and Gratitude showed up!
(continued from Part 1) So, once I made my declaration that I was ready for new
lessons, of course my ego weighed in on the matter and I tried to
wiggle myself out of what I knew would be a test. I grabbed a pen
and my journal, began to write, and became a child with a multitude
of questions that all asked the same thing:
God, is there a test that goes on in the Universe? If there is a
lesson, then are we tested? Do we test ourselves? Why do I want to
ask myself what have I learned? Why is this important for moving on?
God, I hate taking tests! But I'm so tired of re-creating...being
stuck...Is the test the sign that I've seen waiting for me on the
side of the road, “Are you ready yet?” Will it say, “Now
or Later?” or “Test Today!” Will I get the pass or fail-
repeat- do over? Is it multiple choice? Will it- he- knock at my
door. Will it disguise itself as something/someone else?
When
I got tired of my own questions, I surrendered to the sacred yes,
“Fine, I'll take the test- now!”
Unrehearsed
and unscripted, I circled the number one. Without thinking about it,
beside the number, I wrote the word Betrayal.
Shrugging
with sarcasm with what was taking place, I moved from a child to a
teenager. I broke the word into three syllables. The word tray was
the root word that I chose to work with. I began to write out loud.
There is a tray full of food sitting in front of me with all the
things that I like. Saying “no” is probably the best thing that
I could do for myself. I could walk away from the table, or I could
eat a few things off the tray, thank the host for a delicious meal,
and then politely walk away. However, if I stay, sit, and continue
to eat, then I have be-tray-ed myself by becoming the tray of food
that is in front of me. I be-come what I eat and/or I
be-come the company that I keep.
When I know that people, things, situations, circumstances, are
not good for me and I continue to entertain them, I have betrayed
myself. I can't blame the food, the people, the circumstances, the
situations. They don't betray me- I betray myself because I knew
what/who they were about from the very beginning. That's betrayal!
I use to think of betrayal as only something that others did to me.
They betrayed me! He betrayed me! She betrayed me! Though I
know that there are times when people act out of character, do and
say things that are offensive, and commit heinous acts against
nature, betrayal is not always a one sided affair. That thinking
only supported me with being a victim. That
thinking no longer serves me. More liberating is admitting
the times when I betray myself.
I
smiled as I recognized the energy moving within me. I continued to
move in the flow. Unrehearsed and unscripted, I circled the number
two. Without thinking about it, beside the number, I wrote the word
Trust.
I
stood taller. I was commanding my own attention and felt a
seriousness in my experience. I was now a young adult. I continued
to write without thinking...
I have entertained a lot of liars. It has been a smorgasbord
filled with fantasy, fiction, charm, illusions, and grandeur.
Instead of sitting at a table with a tray of food, I am in a room
full of food- a room full of liars! (It's like an event – i.e., In
this corner we have...In this corner we have...)
It is a love triangle! Liars have taught me to trust myself.
They have also taught me to distrust myself. More-so, they have
shown me the mirror of my own deceit and lack of integrity.
Trust means giving up the illusions around me. It means giving up
the grandeur and the perpetrating lifestyles and trading it for
peace. It means that I can live simply and be happier. Trust and
Happy are synonymous. They go hand in hand! When I trust myself I
am happy. When I trust life regardless of what it looks like I am
happy!
Trust means putting God first, (Matthew 6:33). It is knowing
that just like the birds, the squirrels, the blades of grass, and the
lilies of the field who want for nothing and still the blessings just
roll with unlimited beauty, trust is knowing that those same
blessings roll for me.
Trust also means giving up the need to second
guess myself even if the things that I see don't make sense. It
means re-training my eyes [mind] that had been comfortable looking at
the external nature of things. That's trust!
Like betrayal, I used to think of trust as something outside of
myself. My happiness depended on conditions that pleased me on the
outside of myself instead of looking for that on the inside. I had to
retrain my mind to remember that the things that I can't
see far exceed the things that I can see.
Trust used to mean putting my faith in a person, who, when
failed to live up to my expectations, fell into my victim trap of
distrust. We all fall short – even me!
The good news is that I am equipped with everything that I will ever
need on this journey. The truth is that I have everything I need within
myself. Trust: To Resist the Urge to Suppress Truth!
I
was on to something! I was fully awake! Unrehearsed and unscripted,
I circled the number three. Without thinking about it, beside the
number, I wrote the word Sex. I was now a woman! I continued
to write in the flow...
There is a difference between love and sex. There is a difference
between being loved and being sexed. Sex is fleeting. It is
pleasure that is undeniably important to the creativity of the soul.
It stimulates places in my body that can't be denied. It's
one of the best forms of form of stress release that I
know of. When I connect with the right partner, it resembles
the love that I seek externally-internally. It takes me to a
different realm. I've traveled...to space! When I am having
sex, I am free from being seen or judged. It's
freedom! It's liberating! It's being
vulnerable! It's good!
What's not good about sex for me is the addiction I had to
intimacy that I crave. I found myself having lots of sex with the
illusion that the intimacy was real. It was one of the biggest lies
I told myself. It's been an escape like any drug. And, since I've
been good at sex, it has also kept me feeling good abut myself.
What I've learned with all of this is that the best sex that I've
had is with myself. There were no regrets that I had given myself
away- again! When I could feel the warmth and the heat energy
between my own legs – the energy that others have felt- and when I
could feel that for myself by sending it back to myself and through
my own body- that Kundalini energy- I experienced bliss.
Everyone does not have the same capacity to love or to be loved.
It is unfair of me to expect love to be reciprocated by people who
only want sex.
I was sexually abused as a child and I also grew up thinking
that sex and intimacy were one in the same. I married young and retreated from my
feelings in that relationship. But, after my divorce and 23 years of being with the same man, being single was foreign to me. The first time I was with a man behind closed doors who made me feel safe
without the pressure of sex, I cried. In that moment I learned about
intimacy, security, and trust. I learned that I had the power
to attract more loving experiences into my life and that I could in
fact be friends with men without having sex with them. What a
concept!
Being alone use to terrify me. After seven years of being single, I have learned that I am my own best
friend and now I look forward to spending time with me.
Unrehearsed
and unscripted, I circled the number four. Without thinking about
it, I knew what I was ready for. Beside the number, I wrote the word
Love. A woman indeed, I continued to write in the flow...
Love brings me to tears as I write knowing that I have reached a
place in consciousness where I am ready to move on. Ready to let go.
Ready to surrender to the next leg of this journey.
Love has shown me that with all of my shortcomings, Love is
patient, Love is kind, Love is gentle, and Love has not judged me! It
is unconditional!!! It-Love-only seeks to find places within me that
could use the Light of Love. Love has given me grace, favor, mercy,
and has loved me enough- because I am enough!
Through Love, I am learning to say “no” and to release those
things, people, and situations, that no longer serve me by opening
the door to the sacred “yes” of the unknown and those
uncomfortable places. Learning to love myself has been the
greatest gift of all.
Love is synonymous with God. Through Love, I see God in
everything and everybody and ultimately I see God in myself
expressing myself as me.
Done!
And just when I thought I was done, unrehearsed and unscripted, I
circled the number five. Without thinking about it, beside the
number, I wrote Thank You.
With gratitude, all blessings flow! I am grateful for this lesson,
the old lessons, and I am now ready for some new lessons!
I may fall, but I will get up. I may not have a map, but I will
trust myself to get there. I may travel alone, but I will enjoy my
company. I may not get 100% on the test, but I know that I can't
fail with Love. And, I may not know what things will look like
around the corner, but I know that something wonderful awaits! And
the day came...
With Love,
Me
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